Day One

Abs - Brazil Tummy Tuck killed as usual.
Run - I didn't get my run in, but I picked up some cardio in a race against Bri's bedtime getting clothes hung, and the bed made. I'm winded ... I'll take it.
Calories - Finally! 1200 Calories. I've been freaked out ever since I read that my long standing dislike of the action of eating could be causing my body to store all the fat I come across. It didn't seem to matter. For all my bad snacking habits I could barely get more than 1000 calories in me. Happy day!
The food - I eat pretty healthy. I drink like I'm trying to kill myself with sugar and today I learned that the bulk of the carbs in my diet come from my favorite comforts ... soda and coffee. Whaaaat?! So I'm back on my water diet. Curse words!

According to Calorie Counter I've burned more than I sucked in. So yay! I call today a good one for the books

The Weight Isn't Finally Over

Calorie counter wants me to weigh myself daily. That's miserable motivation. I jog because I weigh too much.

I've never been thin. I got pregnant and was awkward for nine months. I had my baby and I was sort of weird for six weeks. Then ... tada! I was not back to normal.

I carried my baby, walked to the store, used the apartment gym, breastfed. I got back to normal. But again I've never been thin, so normal wasn't good enough. I got depressed, got bigger, went crazy got smaller. Fast forward to now and I'd like to tell you my weight but I'm just not there yet.

The point is that as someone who was never thin but was always happy with my body I am at a loss. I have to lose weight. I've never done that on purpose. I have to sculpt shit. Boo. I have to be more fit at 32 than I have ever been and I'm starting at the worst possible place.

I'm writing because the weight won't be conquered without fierce effort which requires: 1) acknowledging where I am and how (very) far I have to go and 2) documenting the whole thing so I can look back on my efforts and know that I'm making progress.

God help me! Amen.

"Don't say no to me."
"Ask me."
"Don't talk to me like that."
"You're a girl. I'm Bri the kid."

Big Girl

I'm ok with Bri growing and learning. I'm not thrilled about her needing me less.

#onlychild

Singing me a song she was making up as she went. Playing Elmo's drums like tiny bongos.

#onlychild

Talking to herself at bath time 4/3

Last Night

Bri came and got into bed with me and I didn't wake up. I don't like that.

Bedtime

Bri is screaming "mommy no!" because she doesn't want to lay in her bed.
I'm in my room, but I can hear that she's in the hallway. She won't come any closer, it could mean trouble.
She cries "why are you mad at me?" I'm impressed and horrified.
"I'm not mad at you. You need to go to bed."
"You hurt my feelings, mommy."
I smile at her ability to express herself. The words hurt though.
I went to comfort her.
She said "No, just leave me alone. Just leave me a-lone."
So dramatic. It's like her existence makes my heart grow bigger all the time. I can't describe it.

A Little Help from Bri

Bri is watching Despicable Me again. As I was tucking Bri in, Agnus wanted to know if Gru would hold her hand. Bri says "Despicable Me said no." I say "Gru is mean, huh?" Bri says "she said can I hold your hand ... please. Say please little girl!" LOL Yeah little girl, where are your damn manners?